Just Breathe
by CharlieMichelle
Summary: Help, I've done it again. I have been here many times before, hurt myself again today, and the worst part is there's no one else to blame... Trigger Warning: Mentions and Descriptions of Suicide. Sensitive content, discussions of depression, eating disorders etc. Dasey.


**A/N: So, years ago I posted this one-shot. That one-shot was not very good if I were to compare it to my writing today (my writing is very mediocre at best currently). Regardless, I said that I wanted to embark on a multi-chapter fanfiction that went a little further into the idea of Casey suffering from, well from some pretty heavy mental illness. It is still my personal canon/belief that had the character been developed under a different medium (if Life With Derek wasn't a Disney Channel show) that at some point we would have seen that. Well, x amount of years later here's that multiple chapter fanfiction.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek or its characters.**

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"So, Derek, why don't we start with you telling me why you're here today?" She was a petite woman with ash blonde hair and a clean-cut silken blouse tucked into a straight skirt. Her voice had reminded him of his stepmother, Nora, with the way she had cooed the question with concern. As if she had actually been concerned. It was a slim chance, he knew that she knew exactly why he was sitting in her office at that precise moment.

"I think we can skip the formalities," he rolled his eyes before he stretched out his legs and threw his hands behind his head -a comfortable move that made him feel as if he had some more control, "you have everything you need to know in that folder right over there."

The smirk that appeared on the woman's face, Pam was her name if he remembered correctly, spread into a small smile and laughter broke the tension in the room around them. She agreed with a polite; "Too right you are…" and he had thought that he'd be able to make a break for it; until she stopped him with her next question, "...what happened that day Derek?"

He blinked, his arms swung down to his side and it was like he could almost feel the fear and overwhelming sadness from just a few short weeks ago. Just as he had when he had found her in her dorm room -door unlocked, body motionless and cold, inaudible breaths and a faint pulse, it all seemed too surreal. He felt himself swallow his guilt and his pride as he found the words to answer Pams' (maybe it was Karen) question. "It's like I've told the police three times already…

"I found my stepsister, Casey MacDonald, in her dorm room. Her door was unlocked and it was around three or four in the afternoon and sure, to some college kids that may be the thing to do, but for Casey that wasn't normal. I announced myself with one of my typical greetings for her and made my way in and saw her sleeping and at first, nothing seemed out of the normal -besides her, you know, being in bed that late into the day and her door being unlocked. I called her name a couple times and then searched for something to eat or to move one of her annoying sticky notes that she used to remind herself about everything, but she still hadn't woken up yet. I went over to shake her awake when I noticed something didn't seem right, she wasn't responding and it looked like she wasn't even breathing and there was some dried vomit in her hair and along the front of her shirt. I shook her some more and started screaming and the next thing I knew her hallmate was rushing in and asked what was wrong and started checking for a pulse? I don't know… I just stood there. She called for 911 and started asking me all these questions, but I just didn't have the answers and when the ambulance arrived with the help they asked me the same questions and I started to get angry… and… I…"

Karen (or Pam, but it could have been Susan) had interrupted him there with a pat on his leg; "Derek, Derek!" He responded to the hysteria in her voice, but he hadn't realized his breathing was wrong and that he had turned into a sobbing mess. He had no control over this reaction and he had just wanted to annoy Casey into helping him study for an upcoming exam. He had no idea how she got percocets -but he knew she had them, no clue on anything going on with her on campus -a lie. He didn't know she had been partying hard and practically flunking out of her dream school -deny, deny, deny. He didn't know anything and those people kept demanding answers, at least until his dad and Nora had arrived.

"I didn't know, I swear, I had no idea that things had gotten that bad with Casey and I'm sorry that I didn't." Derek searched the eyes of one of the university's counselors and saw no anger or confusion, just understanding and he could feel the fingers of panic release his thumping heart. He could gather his breath and his thoughts. "I swear if I had known I would have done something."

"I know Derek, I'm not here to interrogate you." She gave his knee a friendly motherly pat and then sat back to look at the manila folder in her hand. "You're here because in the last two to three weeks of this semester your coach and some professors have expressed concern. Given the situation we thought it would be a good idea for you to meet with me on a weekly basis to talk, it doesn't have to be anything pertinent to what's happening in your family right now, but I think this resource could be very beneficial for you if you're willing to give it an honest try." He nodded, his throat hurt and his eyes stung and he was just so tired, but he nodded anyway.

"Okay, for starters I just want you to know that Casey is going to be fine and is getting the help that she needs. For as long as we meet each week I want you to remember that and I want you to use this time to focus on you." She waited for his nod before she continued. "So, you're a power forward for our hockey team? Tell me about it."

It took a while for Derek to warm up during his sessions with Connie (he never imagined that as a possibility, but it suited her) he had felt far more comfortable. He learned that she was a mother of two, a boy and a girl that held a rivalry almost as strong as his and Caseys' and that her husband was in the American Army just the other side of the border. Her husband had been actively serving his last tour of duty overseas when he had started seeing Connie and it had been a pleasant afternoon session with her discussing the reunion. In return; Connie had learned that Derek had always bonded with his father over hockey and that he was very protective of his three younger siblings (especially Marti). She had also learned that Derek, despite his admitted disdain for Casey had an infatuation with bringing her up; he'd tell Connie about their family holiday traditions and there would be a story about Casey thrown in.

It was fascinating watching Derek speak about Casey, Connie had found herself looking forward to the newest story brought forward. Derek never seemed to notice the pattern and his counselor had figured that if his life was improving passed the catalyst incident that started everything then she had no complaints. Well… she did have one complaint.

"Tell me again why you won't admit that you love Casey the same way you love Lizzie or Marti?" Connie had asked one cool November afternoon. "It seems like you two have a splendid relationship for step-siblings."

"We aren't family." His denial had been short and crisp, a rare version of Derek in the small beige office that he had grown accustomed to in the last month.

"Well, not by blood but you could be by choice." Before he could interrupt her she continued on with her explanation; "I'm just trying to understand Derek, you share so many wonderful stories about Casey. You've opened up about the fear of losing her to me and you've written her those heartfelt letters while she's receiving care. She'll be home soon and you'll have to face her again, wouldn't you want to do so by looking at her in a new light?"

Derek shook his head; "No, I don't want to consider Casey my sister of any kind. We're not siblings! You know, she always talked about having that feel good family moment with me, but I'm not interested. Casey is…" and he stopped to really think about what he wanted to say, because the truth was that he didn't know what to say and he didn't know what Casey meant to him (until he sat holding her hand in a small cubicle-like room at the closest hospital, but he'd never admit to that).

"Casey is what Derek?"

"She's just Casey… she's Space Case, Klutzilla and the absolute bane of my existence almost all of the time." He couldn't stop the words from spewing, though Connie thought he looked like he wanted to. "She's witty and smart and dedicated and talented. She's rambunctious and annoying and I probably wouldn't have made it to midterms my first semester here had it not have been for her _fucking pestering_ and how can I consider someone like Casey to be family when I didn't even know what she was going through?"

Connie took the pause that he used to catch his breath to interrupt; "Which we've talked about and it isn't your fault Derek."

"I know, but here it is, I saw the signs, Condor." The nickname he had given Connie made her eyes roll, but he leaned forward so his forearms rested on his knees and continued on. "I had teammates telling me she was getting more and more wild at parties. Casey MacDonald does not party, especially on a random Tuesday night. She never drank before. She's never smoked. She always locks her door and is in bed no later than eleven on the weekends."

"All of which we discussed, it's not your fault or responsibility to process what you saw and heard about her to treat her."

"I knew that she was taking antidepressants since our first semester here last fall. She made me promise and swear not to tell her mom. Even when Nora looked me in the eye at the hospital I denied it. Would a brother do that?" Derek had it all figured out, Connie thought to herself, but he was so incredibly wrong that it made her head throb.

"When I was your age my husband and I had been dating for close to six months and I had made some very poor life decisions." Derek paused and looked at Connie, she could see the wariness in his eyes. "It landed me in the hospital with a plethora of injuries and a cop waiting to take my statement. To this day my mother and father believe they were called by the hospital because I was the victim of the accident. My husband knows the truth and I know the truth but they do not." She paused again and looked at Derek willing him to understand what she was saying.

"I knew there was a wild side to you."

Connie ignored his smirk and snapped his attention back to the conversation at hand, "People do all sorts of things for the ones they love, even keep their secrets."

Derek snorted, "I don't love Casey like that."

"Like what?"

"Like… like how you're describing! I thought you said the times in this room didn't have to be focused around her?" Derek crossed his arms and looked indignantly at Connie. He had a point, she mused, but if only she could make him see what was essentially right there.

Instead of arguing the point Connie let it go, as she had so often done with Derek Venturi. They closed their session with the discussion of Casey's impending return home during the week. She wondered if the topic of Derek's infatuation would be returning to campus. He didn't know, it appeared as if Derek didn't know a whole lot about what was going on. She had spoken with Nora and George a couple times and had assured them that whatever they -and Casey, decided to do would be perfectly acceptable by the university. Connie supposed it would have to be a waiting game to find out and she wondered how Derek would respond (regardless of whichever decision was made). Well, she wouldn't have to wait long.

-Page Break-

On Saturday morning Derek had been woken up to a phone call from his brother Edmond. He was informed that Casey, Nora, and their father were currently on their way to campus to collect Casey's belongings from her solo dormitory. Derek feigned disinterest. Still, Edmond persisted on and gave Derek all the details that he had gathered. Casey wouldn't be returning to school (Derek smirked when he heard that Casey put up a fight there), in fact, Nora wasn't convinced that Casey should be going away at all to any school that was outside of the commuter range for their home. George had sided with Casey (Derek did not see that coming), Edmond claimed that George respected Nora's concerns but the reality was they can't keep Casey -a legal adult, confined to their home.

All in all, it sounded like more drama. Derek was so very much over the drama. He demanded Edmond tell him why he should care, it wasn't like he was actually going to be around to see any of them and it wasn't like Casey's education decision affected him at all. "Casey wants to talk to you, but she wasn't sure if she was going to be able to do so today."

"Good thing she has my phone number then, isn't it?"

Edmond sighed; "Come one Derek! Be serious please, Casey just isn't herself and Lizzie and I are worried. Can't you maybe meet her halfway?"

Derek rolled his eyes, not that Edmond could see that, but the principle of the movement was what mattered to Derek, "Yeah I could, but I don't know what time they're even going to be on campus. Plus, no offense, it's not really my place to swoop in and make this easier on Casey." Derek muttered under his breath; "It's not like she made this easy on any of us."

"That's not fair. You know Casey, you know how prideful she is and how stubborn she is. I've heard her tell Nora time and time again that those two personality flaws are what held her back from…"

Derek cut his young step-sister off, he knew if he had said the right phrase he'd figure out who was really behind the wake-up call. "Lizzie, listen to me." Derek heard her grumble something under breath before she confirmed she was paying attention, Edmond snickered in the background. "If Casey wants to talk to me, she will. I can't just jump the gun and bombard her, you know that. Now please, I was in the middle of one of the hottest dreams of my life and I'd like to salvage that."

Derek hung up. He collapsed against his bed and laughed to himself, of all the ways to start his favorite day of the week? That was not a good one. Realistically he knew that Nora would never let Casey finish out the semester once she was home, but to drag her back to the scene of the 'incident' immediately after her homecoming? Even Derek thought that was a bit much. Still, there wasn't much he could do. Sure, he could provide a distraction and take Casey out of the environment, but part of him believed she needed to go back. Shit, now he was sounding like Connie. As he stood up he ran a hand through his disheveled hair, there was no point in going back to bed now, he may as well start his day.

By lunch, Derek had finished all the work he had needed to complete before the series of practices and games that were quickly approaching. He shocked himself when he realized that Casey had been right all along. Itw as a lot easier living his life when he didn't have to worry about half-assing an assignment to make the deadline. It also made keeping his hockey scholarship a lot easier too. He grumbled, stretched and scratched at his stomach when one of his teammates -Scott, his name was Scott and for a freshman, he was pretty good, knocked at his door. "Hey Derek, there's a Casey downstairs waiting for you."

Derek groaned; "Thanks, man…"

True enough Casey was in the main entryway of the hockey house and she looked absolutely awful. There was nothing familiar about the woman that stood at the bottom of the stairs. Her hair wasn't shiny, her clothes were boring (Casey never wore sweatpants and baggy teeshirts out of the house) and she hadn't even attempted to talk to anyone in the main living room. She stood on her phone as she sunk her teeth into her lip. Derek thought he heard her mutter about making a mistake before she attempted to turn and bolt out the door, but he wasn't going to let her do that.

"Casey, hey, what brings you here?" No siree, he thought to himself gleefully, he was not going to let her run like a coward from him.

"Hey, Derek, hi…" Derek raised an eyebrow at his step-sisters stuttering, that was also new. "Can we talk? One on one?"

Casey took his single nod as a signal to follow him up the stairs to his room. She hated how uncomfortable she was about this, she had no reason to be! She had never been uncomfortable with Derek. Not when he caught her skipping out on meals, not when he found her medication, not when he found… well, she supposed that couldn't count as she was… yeah, that didn't count. Still, she mused to herself as she made herself comfy on the edge of his bed, she shouldn't be so nervous talking to Derek.

"Alright, you're here and I'm here and nobody else is… so talk."

She took a deep breath, it was now or never. He thought she looked like she was going to puke. Then she blurted out the one singular phrase she had meant to say since she woke up to him holding her hand in the emergency room. "I'm sorry…"

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 **A/N: Alright, chapter one! I will be honest and own my mistakes. I was disrupted from my editing to respond to an apartment fire with my fire department. Good news, no actual fire. Unfortunately, when I made it back home I had lost the mojo, but I know if I hadn't at least post what was finished I would have sat on this chapter for months. Speaking of! Updates are not promised in a timely manner, I do have a bunch of stories I'm working on and posting and I basically go in alphabetical order (of the medium; for example, Life With Derek starts with L...). My apologies in advance.**

 **Fun fact: The title of this piece is actually saved in my computer as "Breathe, Me" inspired by SIA's song " _Breathe, Me"_ and I feel like this song just really fits the storyline. However, I don't think the title did... so there you go! As always, I appreciate all feedback. Thank you!**


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